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Last Modified 07/22/04

Escaping the Holiday Coulda-Woulda-Shouldas

Enjoying the holidays as a caregiver includes letting go of a dangerous mindset called "coulda-shoulda-woulda" thinking, also known as the if-only syndrome.  If there were such a thing as Caregivers Anonymous, the first step to combating this way of thinking would be to rid ourselves of that little voice inside us that says, "I can do it all.  I am responsible for everything.  Whatever I do, it's never enough.  I need more hours in the day.  Everyone else comes before me.  I coulda-shoulda-woulda."

Here are some ways to ease caregiver stress and ditch the if-only syndrome:

• When planning holiday events, ask guests to come over rather than taking loved ones out.  Celebrating at home meals that our loved one can celebrate in a familiar and comfortable setting.  If needed, they can leave the room without dampening spirits or breaking up the party.
• Pot-luck celebrations, where each guest brings a dish, reduce undue stress on hosts and hostesses.  We can also ask guests to help with the prep work and the clean up.  If pot-luck isn't your style, ask guests to bring wine or dessert.  This will help your meal stay consistent while easing some of the expense and workload.
• Inviting people over for a meal during our loved one's regular mealtime helps.  If we decide to cook dinner ourselves, we can make something easy to prepare in advance, like lasagna or stew.  Make something on the grill, buy prepared food, or order out.  Remember, paper and plastic make clean up much easier.
• Sometimes our loved ones will not join in the holiday celebration.  A frail parent may no longer enjoy staying up to greet the New Year.  Staying at home with a companion or sitter may be more enjoyable than being dragged into a social situation that may be too tiring or uncomfortable.  We can attend holiday events with or without our loved one.  This may also help us refuel.  We can't refuel without some distance.  Of course, while away, we need to be completely away - mentally and physically.  So we know that for, the time being, our holidays may be a bit different than in the past.  In order to get through them while still enjoying them, certain life changes must be made in planning and celebrating.  We can make the holidays enjoyable for caregivers and care recipients alike.  As they say in the 12-step programs, we need to acknowledge our limitations and enjoy the here and now.

**Copied from Caregiver.com Today's caregiver magazine.