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Last Modified 07/22/04
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Escaping the Holiday Coulda-Woulda-Shouldas
Enjoying the holidays as a caregiver includes letting go
of a dangerous mindset called "coulda-shoulda-woulda" thinking, also
known as the if-only syndrome. If there were such a thing as Caregivers
Anonymous, the first step to combating this way of thinking would be to rid
ourselves of that little voice inside us that says, "I can do it all.
I am responsible for everything. Whatever I do, it's never enough. I
need more hours in the day. Everyone else comes before me. I
coulda-shoulda-woulda."
Here are some ways to ease caregiver stress and ditch the
if-only syndrome:
- When planning holiday events, ask guests to come over
rather than taking loved ones out. Celebrating at home meals that our
loved one can celebrate in a familiar and comfortable setting. If
needed, they can leave the room without dampening spirits or breaking up the
party.
- Pot-luck celebrations, where each guest brings a dish,
reduce undue stress on hosts and hostesses. We can also ask guests to
help with the prep work and the clean up. If pot-luck isn't your
style, ask guests to bring wine or dessert. This will help your meal
stay consistent while easing some of the expense and workload.
- Inviting people over for a meal during our loved one's
regular mealtime helps. If we decide to cook dinner ourselves, we can
make something easy to prepare in advance, like lasagna or stew. Make
something on the grill, buy prepared food, or order out. Remember,
paper and plastic make clean up much easier.
- Sometimes our loved ones will not join in the holiday
celebration. A frail parent may no longer enjoy staying up to greet
the New Year. Staying at home with a companion or sitter may be more
enjoyable than being dragged into a social situation that may be too tiring
or uncomfortable. We can attend holiday events with or without our
loved one. This may also help us refuel. We can't refuel without
some distance. Of course, while away, we need to be completely away -
mentally and physically. So we know that for, the time being, our
holidays may be a bit different than in the past. In order to get
through them while still enjoying them, certain life changes must be made in
planning and celebrating. We can make the holidays enjoyable for
caregivers and care recipients alike. As they say in the 12-step
programs, we need to acknowledge our limitations and enjoy the here and now.
**Copied from Caregiver.com Today's caregiver magazine.
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